Did you get or receive flowers for Valentine’s Day? Was it as special as you and your partner are to each other? Or was it a romantic gesture that does not reflect your relationship the rest of the time? Did you get candy for Valentine’s day? Was it as sweet as your partner is to you? Or a romantic gesture that does not reflect your relationship the rest of the time? Was it just a Hallmark holiday, something you’re supposed to do? Or a reminder that this is something you want to do? Like to do?
Imago therapy is a wonderful way to re-connect, and we specialize in it here. Both Alexandra and myself, Maggie, are Certified Imago therapists who work with individual couples.But Imago weekend workshops are also a wonderful way to experience this therapy in a group. It’s a condensed, information packed weekend. You get to learn the theory and work on your relationship in the group, as well as in private.
“We just can’t communicate anymore! He doesn’t understand me!” The answer to this problem is simple, really. You need to learn how to hear your partner, so that your partner will do the same for you. This, of course, is critical to a committed relationship. It means first putting your feelings aside and listening with your brain, not your heart. The heart/feelings part comes later, when you understand each other.
When my mother lost her father it was sad, but not unexpected. He was 80 years old, had had that lingering kind of cancer that old men often get, and there was plenty of time to prepare for his death. Not that any of us ever acknowledged his demise or named the dread disease he lived with for so long. Until the day he died he spoke of getting well, would not reveal his feelings or let us tell him ours, and we all aided and abetted his fantasy.
Many relationships hit a low point, a really low point, where sincere apology and forgiveness are required if the relationship is to go on. Not just saying the words – but meaning them. This is extremely painful and difficult because I am talking about major ruptures between the couple like affairs, addictions, lies, abuse or even the less obvious but non-the-less lethal long term estrangement which has finally hit an icy rock bottom….
How do you know when it’s time to have a baby? As a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, I frequently hear that question from my couples. The answer is much simpler than you might expect. The answer to the question is… a question. (Don’t you just hate when therapists do that? Sorry. But this is so important.)
When families come in we emphasize family relationships as an important factor in psychological health. We view problems as symptoms of dysfunctional interactions, communications and emotional dynamics within the whole family, rather than the fault of any individual.
One of the main reasons a family seeks counseling is that someone’s behavior is upsetting everyone else. They want the therapist to smooth things out and keep things going the way they were. We work with couples from a family systems perspective. We help you to reflect upon and understand the intergenerational aspects of present dysfunctional family interactions. Once you understand this you can free yourselves from the painful family patterns, and re-create your relationship into your shared, unique vision . We teach you productive communication, effective problem solving skills, how to de-fuse conflict, and how to find the happiness that a shared life can bring.
But the family therapist knows that the person with the troublesome behavior is the “Identified Patient”, meaning that’s who the family sees as psychologically ill. In reality, the identified patient is the family member who is behaviorally speaking for everyone. No one feels good about the way things have been going and something has to change.
As a family therapists, we may focus more on how patterns of interaction maintain the problem rather than trying to identify the cause, as this can be experienced as blaming by some families.
Family systems theory assumes that the family as a whole is larger than the sum of its parts. Instead of meeting with one individual, all or most family members are involved in the therapy process.
Family therapy is particularly helpful during transitional crises in a families’ life cycle, for example: ·
Working together with us, you will examine your family’s ability to solve problems and express thoughts and emotions. You may explore family roles, rules and behavior patterns in order to spot issues that contribute to conflict. We often brings entire families together in therapy sessions. However, family members may also see her individually, in pairs, or with extended family members according to her ongoing assessment.
Family therapy may help you identify your family’s strengths, such as caring for one another, and weaknesses, such as an inability to confide in one other. Family therapy can help you pinpoint your specific concerns and assess how your family is handling them. Guided by your therapist, you’ll learn new ways to interact and overcome old problems. In the end, you will be better equipped to cope with problems and emotional pain, understand each other’s needs, desire to help each other, and enjoy healthy interactions.
We also specialize in helping stepfamilies. Our approach is based upon a teaching model created by Jeanette Lofas, who received a presidential commendation in 1996 for “outstanding efforts in strengthening stepfamilies across America”.
One of the first things that couples must understand is that new families don’t blend. They learn to co-exist peacefully and, hopefully, with love. This is the primary goal of the counseling. A peaceful home, not a battlefield!
Conflict immediately arises when parents expect their suddenly newly assembled family to operate like the traditional nuclear family. It cannot work. It’s like trying to build a contemporary new home on the blueprint of an historic colonial house. Can you imagine what the result would look like?!
Most of the counseling is done with the parents, one of whom has called the office with anxiety and the complete overwhelms. We teach them that they must work as a united parental team, and that the children must respect this hierarchy. It is normal to find this to be challenging. Alliances must shift: parent with parent rather than each parent with their own kids. Without this shift in boundaries you will never achieve the harmony you and even more, your children yearn for.
Once the counselor has empowered the couple to accomplish this, the parents work on family rules, consequences and rewards, consistency, dealing with the shuttle of children between two households, and even the conflict between your partner and the ex-spouse.
It can be done! With true dedication to this new family, hard work, and a change in perspective, you can reap rewards you would never have expected when you started this counseling journey.
