Couples who have sexual problems often figure, instead, that they must have communication issues because they fight so much. The problem with intimacy is camouflaged with conflicts such as finances, household chores, parenting, no time to be alone, and overall stress in their lives. These are not communication issues. They are conflict which will perpetuate itself. The sexual problems at the root of it all are rarely discussed, since each partner blames the other for the problem, or they blame themselves. They feel abnormal or ashamed. They don’t bring it up to their counselor for the same reason.
If you are relating to what I’ve said here, you’re not alone. There are so many misconceptions about sex. If you’re not having technicolor, Hollywood sex, you’re disappointed. Sad or angry. The most frequent problems I see in my office are different levels of desire in couples, or physical problems at the root of it all.
Only 30% of women have vaginal orgasms. External stimulation is the key to female arousal and satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with you. This is normal.
Erections will not last for prolonged lovemaking. They will wax and wane and require attention by either the man or his partner. There is nothing wrong with you. This is normal.
Lack of desire and arousal can often be overcome by the uninterested partner willingly entering into sexual relations. Once the the sex begins, the body will usually respond .. But coercion or pressure to have sex will just be a be a turn off and lead to anxiety or resentment by the recipient and the person doing the coercion.
Problems with sexual relations often occur due to physical reasons. Erectile dysfunction should not automatically be treated with viagra. A visit to the doctor should be made as soon as this occurs. It is often caused by heart problems which must be treated first.
Pain during the act should not be tolerated by either person. Sometimes all that is needed is a lubricant. Sometimes there is a problem with the pelvic floor. Sometimes it is too soon after childbirth. Chemotherapy can be at the root of the pain. Hormones can play a part. If you have pain of any kind you should consult your doctor who can diagnose and treat the problem.
If you’re having these problems or others during sex, a visit to a therapist specializing in sexual relations will help you. The therapist can facilitate communication of your feelings about these problems to your partner and get the relationship to where it should be. Alive, connected, and exciting.